I heard this song on the Radio this morning and it made me smile. Do you LOVE this cartoon? I love love love it!

I ran outside yesterday and loved it. It was pretty cold, but I was dressed warm and felt great. My ears got a bit cold, but other than that it was awesome. I'm starting to figure out that switching up my exercise every so often excites me and really motivates me. I haven't run for quite a while. I had to stop when I hurt my foot and I've only done it a few times since then. I am really loving it…and GUESS WHAT?!! My back doesn't hurt after wards! That's right. I've now run three times in the last week and have had zero back pain. This is exciting news for me! It means that maybe I can run pain free! I don't want to wear myself out, so I'm going to take it easy, but I'm excited to keep at it. Yesterday as I ran I felt so strong! It's like I could have gone forever. I love the cold crisp air and the quietness of the snow…its so peaceful! I pulled out my ipod for half of the run (I haven't used that thing in 7 or 8 months!). It was fun to run to the music, I'm pretty sure it made me pick up my speed quite a bit.

I used to hate running. Mostly because I couldn't do it and I thought it was boring. It's not an easy thing to get used to doing . I still suck at it, but I do love doing it. I'm not "a runner" nor do I plan on becoming one, I just like it when i'm in the mood to run and feel good doing it! We've been having so many parties and luncheons lately that it's been hard to not eat a lot of unnecessary things. I felt really great after yesterdays run, it gave me lots of motivation to continue tokeep active, especially durning the holidays when goodies and laziness are around every corner!! It's so easy to tell yourself "it's the holidays" or..I'll start exercising when January comes around.  Its so crazy to think about past Christmas's or holidays….it used to be a free for all. I'd eat crap all day long and never exercise.  I always ended up feeling guilty and plotting out my next "diet".  I"m so glad I don't burden myself with that kind of behavior anymore! I love feeling good, eating healthy and staying active, I love even more that I want to do these things because of how they make me feel today and everyday and not because of how I want to look or feel in the future.  It makes the holidays that much more enjoyable!

Today is my last day of work, until the 4th of January!! I hope the day goes by fast!! Dave's sicko and I'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't pass it off to me. I've been saving up my vacation time to take all of this time off during Christmas break. If I'm sick, I will not be too happy.

Ok, so ya know how I said yesterday we would be closing on our house? I lied. Not on purpose though. Today is the big day. Today at 3:30pm. Finally the wait will be over!

My nose is starting to act funny and runny. EEEERRRRRRR. Say a prayer for me.

QA:  What do you want for Christmas?  I want a heart rate monitor/milage counter/calorie counter/zone monitor

Funny story, I brought some egg whites with me today to warm up in the microwave for part of my breakfast. I had them in a small tupperware container that I planned on popping in the microwave for a few minutes.  Like I mentioned, I moved to a new building at work and am surrounded by all new people. I asked a lady if I could use her microwave since the community one is not up and running yet.  Before I could put the whites in the microwave she and another woman stopped me and were in awe of what I was doing with my egg whites.  They had never seen microwaved eggs/egg whites.  WHAT? I can't be the only one who does this right?? They proceeded to ask me how it worked and what they would be/look/taste/feel like when I took them out.

After answering their questions with a mini MICROWAVE EGG 101 course,we sat and talked about nutrition and dieting in gernarl.  One of the Lady's told me about a diet her hair dresser was doing where she only ate 500 calories a day for three months along with a daily shot…EEK!!.  The other lady joined in and talked about how someone here at work tried it and lost a ton of weight. I immediatelysaid..of course she did…500 calories a day, anyone could lose weight if they STARVE THEMSELFS! They tried to help me see why it was a healthy diet and how it worked….I would not have it.

I talked to them about my past struggles with diet, exercise and limiting my food. They became very interested. They proceeded to ask me a million questions about diet, exercise, eating healthy, what I did then and what I do now. I told them about my past and how unhealthy I was and talked with them about what how my entire life has changed because of it.  They proceeded to asked questions about splenda, soda, lifting weights, cardio, calories, on and on.  It was crazy to hear all of their thoughts on nutrition and health and what they thought was healthy. I can't tell you how off base they were with some of their thinking and ideas. I honestly don't think they knew any better, it was crazy! I felt like Wikipedia because I shared so much info that they had never heard of before. After the conversation as I walked back to my desk I heard one of them say to the other, I'm going to go buy some egg whites and try them out…the other said, ya me too! I walked away from that conversation feel grateful forhow far I've come and where I'm at today. I felt thankful for the things I know and the way I live my life. I immediately came back to my desk and started writing this post.

The other day I found an old journal. It was a food-calorie/feeling  journal. I sat down and read a few pages and my right away my eyes welled up with tears. I felt so sad for my old self and my thought processes. I just didn't get it. I was so off base from where I needed to be, yet so wrapped up in what I thought was ok. How could I ever have thought that way? My words portrayed someone that felt trapped and hopeless. It was obvious I believed I would never be able to over come "the battle".

While I was driving to work today, I was thinking about blogging and my blog topics and posts when I first started this blog 4 months ago. Most of them talked about struggles, feelings, and my quest for a healthy life. I began to think about my past and the problems I used to run into on a daily basis. As I thought about it, I realized that those problems and"demons" are gone.  They no longer exist. I tried to think about any negative behavior in regards to food or exercise or negative self image and guys I just don't have them any more.  I no longer count calories, I not longer stress about food, I no longer exercise to burn calories and punish myself for eating bad, I no longer put myself down.  Please believe that I am not saying this to honk my horn…I'm saying it in hopes that others may know it is possible. I never believed I could change. I never thought I would over come YO YO dieting. I never thought I'd have a healthy normal relationship with food. Never say never.

I watched the Biggest Loser last night and listened to the contestants from 11 weeks ago give their future healthy self advice.I got chills when I heard their plea with their future self.  They wanted more than anything to change, to be healthy and overcome their struggles. They reminded themselves of how trapped they felt and how important it was to overcome their battle. You could tell they had the strength within themselves, but just didn't know how to find it. Watching them cross the finish line after running a marathon was unbelievable. Although I have never been overweight or battled with their same issues. I've had my own, and watching them cross that finish line summed up my feelings perfectly.

I know it is possible to overcome our battles. No matter what are battles are, ED, weight, finances, religion, family, anything. If we are positive and fight the fight pushing forward with faith, we will overcome our battles and we will eventually cross the finish line. Don't give up, and don't you dare back down. 
 
Press on with happiness in your heart, positivity in your mind, and a belief that you can achieve WHATEVER you put you mind to. The solution to your problem lies in you!

CRAP…my egg whites are cold!

Hi with a heart over the I means Hi and I luv you! I slept in this morning until 6:50am! That is really great considering I usually get up around 5:00am.  It felt so good, I needed it BIG TIME!! Last night Dave, my Mom, Dad and I spent over 4 hours cleaning the new house.  I didn't think it was going to take anywhere near that long, but oh baby there is a lot to do! We got SO MUCH done, but still have a quite a bit left!  It was so fun to be in the empty house and try to imagine us and our things living there.  We were supposed to close on Thursday or Friday of this week…but it seems like there is always something that comes up with the stupid mortgage company, it might not be until next week now…(tears).  I'm crossing my fingers and praying super hard that we can close on Friday. I already have EVERYTHING lined up for moving on Saturday, so if i have to change it all I might will start crying.

Off subject
Do you ever have days where you realize just how much you love your husband or significant other? Every other day you love them, but some days you just really really really love and appreciate them? In a way you never have before? I'm having one of those days. When I felt Dave next to me this morning I felt warm, comfortable and safe.  When I hugged him goodbye before he left for work, I felt extremely thankful for his hard work and his daily dedication to work so hard for me and our little family. When he emailed me this morning happy as ever with excitement in his words, I felt thankful for his positive attitude and his sweetness.  When I stop and think about him today, I feel happy, safe and excited to see him this afternoon.  I just really really love him today.  I think more than ever I ever have before.  

On a less happy note, my foot is still hurting! I'm so bugged at it!  Saturday we went to the doctor and they took some blood work to test me for Gout.  The blood work came back yesterday and I definitely don't have gout…THANK GOODNESS, however now I am left super confused because I did nothing to hurt it, and it seriously hurts.  Weird thing is there have been two days where I have woken up and the pain was all but gone, then by the middle/end of the day it is hurting again full force! I just can't figure it out. If it keeps going like this all week, I'm going to go get an x-ray.  The doctor gave me a walking cast type thing that helps with the pain when I walk and allows me to not injure the rest of my body by limping, but it does not take away the pain.  I'm starting to get a bit frustrated as it is putting a HUGE kink in my exercise routine.  I feel like I've been the biggest slacker not able to do any cardio, but in the same breath I can't help it. I want to full on work out, but its not possible! I don't want to let it get me down so I'm trying to stay positive and focus on keeping as active as possible!

Yesterdays 4 hours of cleaning was a workout and I needed it! I wasn't sweating too much as it was only 50-60 degrees in the house, but after about 15 minutes my sweat shirt came off and I stayed warm the entire time!  My arms were killing me! We were scrubbing so hard over and over! My upper body is actually sore!  Cleaning is a great way to burn some calories, especially if you do it for hours on end!!

Today we are headed back over to the house to do some more cleaning! Dave is going to put together a few things we got this weekend and I am going to finish the cleaning. We have a bug guy coming to spray the house and kill all th spiders. I hope to never see a spider in that house…EVER! (good news is I didn't run in to any bugs yesterday while cleaning!)

I am going to incorporate a workout into my cleaning today if my foot will allow. I stopped typing just now and wrote out a workout for this afternoon and am excited to give it a try.   I'll take some pictures and share the workout with you tomorrow!!

I've found it frustrating when things out of your control get in the way and make it hard to accomplish the things you desire.  Instead of letting those feelings of frustration overwhelm me, I'm going to stick it to my foot pain and do as much as possible to stay active. It's important for me to remember that I don't have to be gasping for air and sweating my bum off in order to be doing something good for my body each day.  I think that sometimes our bodies need a little change anyhow. Maybe my foot is telling my brain that it does not want high impact right now….who knows? Maybe it's tired of me working it so hard! Either way I plan on making the best out of my situation by trying new things and  staying positive through this experience!

In other news…if you haven't already, check out the PFM give away and make sure to get your name entered in..you don't want to miss out on these items, they are just TOO CUTE!  Don't for get check out my sissys site and leave her a comment…you all made her feel so great yesterday with your sweet comments! Keep em coming!!!

QA:
What do you do to stay active when you don't feel good or have an injury that limits what you can do?  IDEAS Please!!!

I'm sure you've all heard that Caitlin from Health Tipping Point  is writing an Operation Beautiful the book! And as you all know…I am ALL about the Operation Beautiful Mission.  I have submitted my fair share of Operation Beautiful notes on her page and still even keep some of them up around my house to remind myself everyday that I'm worth it! 

Caitlin asked that her readers submit their notes and stories and she would then choose 125 of these notes/stories to be in the book. So being the HUGE fan that I am of Operation Beautiful, I wrote up a little thing and attached my favorite Operation Beautiful Note, then sent it her way.  I figured it was a long shot, but why not try! 

Well…guess what?  She chose my story and note to be one of the entries in the book! I was so excited when I found out!  While writing this blog about my past struggles and current experiences I pray that in some way I might help someone see things a bit differently. I pray that perhaps my words may touch someone and help them become a smidge better, stronger and happier. I want so bad to help people realize that they have the power within themself to make a difference and they can make positive changes in their life. If people could only see how possible it is to make these changes and eliminate negativity from their life, they would jump on board immediately! I am so thankful for Caitlin and the opportunity she has given me to share my story with people from all walks of life! 

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to share my message just yet , so you'll have to buy the book to read it! It comes out in December 2010.  I can hardly wait!  I think I am going to give it as gifts to everyone I know….(and not because I'm in it) but because Operation Beautiful is a wonderful thing.

Did you know that more people are struggling with anorexia and bulimia than are fighting breast cancer? Did you know that most girls go on their first diet by the age of 8 years old? Operation beautiful is about stopping self hatred. Operation Beautiful is about accepting our self and loving our self despite our imperfections. Operation Beautiful is about believing in our self, encouraging our self, loving our self,  respecting our self and taking action to show our self that love and respect.  Operation Beautiful is about changing our inner dialogue and believing in who we are and who we will become.  Operation Beautiful is beautiful.

Foot Update
My food its still wacko! Yesterday around 7pm, it started to feel better…like a million times better! It still hurt but it was so minimal in comparison to earlier. I was so happy. A while later my calf muscle started to hurt. It was like it had a perma cramp.  I went to sleep and when I woke up this morning, the pain in my foot returned….really bad. Not quite as bad as yesterday but pretty darn close, and the entire back portion of my calf KILLS.  What the what?  I don't get it. I went to sleep with little pain and little swelling in my foot and woke up with a lot of pain and complete swelling.  I have no idea what is going on. I might need to visit the Doc. I had an awesome upper body workout last night that i'll share later today! 

"A man is but the product of his thoughts.
What he thinks, he becomes."
Mahatma Gandhi

I've been wanting to write about this subject for as long as I can remember! I have slowly added to this post and am finally ready to share it! This topic is so important to me and something that has changed me and my life. 

"The Power of Positive Thinking"

I've mentioned in previous posts that I used to be kinda negative. If you knew "the old me", I don't think you would have labeled me as a negative person. (I think Dramatic would be a better adjective). I did not go around proclaiming the glass to be half empty. The negativity that I am talking about was in my head. I was guilty of inviting negative thoughts in, and giving them a place to stay. In fact I think I was a negative thought shelter for all the homeless negative thoughts that needed a home.  To be honest I didn't really know I was even harvesting these  thoughts. When I started to realize what I was doing, I didn't know how to change or how important it was to do so.  I didn't think my inner dialouge was interfering with my life or the people in it. They were my thoughts, no one else had to hear them. When I look back, I realize I was so wrong. Whether anyone heard my negativity or not, It was effecting me and in turn effecting the people I love the most.  

When I had my "ah ha moment" and realized that I needed to make some serious changes, I didn't know where to start. Where had it all come from? Why was I so obsessed about my weight and being skinny? Why did I feel so uncomfortable with my body?  Why was I mopey inside and why did I feel bad about myself?  Why did everything seem like such a big deal?

I now know the answer, but in that moment I had no clue.  Luckily I had someone who cared enough about me to help me see what I didn't want or know how to see.

He (Dave) gave me a suggestion one day that at the time I thought was ridiculous. He said "Lie".  'Lie to yourself'. Tell yourself things that you don't believe are true and the more you do it, the more you'll believe it.  

My response…..What? What is that even supposed to mean? You want me to lie to myself? (Ya that's gonna work).

'Anytime you have a negative thought, immediately push it out and then tell yourself the exact opposite…even if it is a 'lie, sometimes white lies are ok'.

Example:  AHH…My butt looks so big in these jeans…. The "lie"… These jeans are so cute, I look so cute in them, my butt looks great in these jeans.'

Even if I didn't believe what I was saying I was to say it, no questions asked.  He also suggested that on top of disputing my negative thoughts, I should also go out of my way to tell myself things that I didn't think were true.

My response….What? What is that even supposed to mean? You want me to tell myself things I don't think are true? Like what?

'It is so fun to exercise and eat healthy'. 'I can do anything I put my mind to'. 'I can do it'. 'Junk food makes me feel gross.'

Reluctant as I was to do what was suggested, I decided I had nothing to lose.  I went at it and started to lie build myself up on a daily basis. I eliminated negative thoughts by replacing them with the positive ones.  It felt weird at first. I found myself rolling my eyes at myself and the whole idea.  Despite my reluctance, I still tried. I started telling myself things like:

'I love exercising'
'It's so much fun to eat healthy'
'I am so strong'
'I'm so proud of myself'
'I can do anything'
'I love sweating'
'You look so cute today'

I didn't say these things once and a while. I said them all the time.  I even started to tell my family these things to make it seem more real. I replaced these thoughts/compliments (and many more) where my negative and 'Fat Talk', used to be. After consciously practicing these techniques, I started to notice a change.  The negative thoughts that led to my negative behavior were no longer there. I found myself  thinking and doing the positive things I was constantly telling myself. After time, the things I told myself actually became a real. Not only was I telling myself these things, I believed them because I was thinking and doing them. I  was no longer lying to myself. WHAT! This was crazy. I could not believe how quickly things changed from there. I FINALLY realized that I was in control and that every single thing I thought directly effected the things I did. I had been my own worst enemy and didn't even know it.  I started to be my biggest supporter. Me my own supporter? Positive and negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies!
 
I am now a different person. I am in control of my life. I chose how I will feel each day. And everyday I chose to feel GREAT, no matter what is going on.  Please know that I'm not perfect at this. I still have negative thoughts, but I WILL NOT entertain them . I refuse. I spent too much time letting those stupid thoughts rule how I felt. Now, I'm in charge.

We, YOU AND I are in COMPLETE control of what we think and how we feel.  We don't have to be stressed, we don't have to be sad, we don't have to be negative. We can wake up each day and chose to be happy (even if we are going through trials or hardship).

What we seek determines what we think. What we think determines what we do. And what we do determines who we will become.
-Dieter F. Uchtorf

I want to shout out on the roof tops what I have learned and how much it has changed my life. Not just regarding my self image and confidence, but in all aspects. Having a bad day, facing hardship, feeling sick, being patient, loving my husband, being a better friend, caring for others…. it has made my entire life better.  There are plenty of things in life that we have no control over and can't change. Bettering ourself is not one of those things.  We are in charge of making the change. We are the one's who decide what we will seek, think, do and who we will become.

When we're aware of the way we think, we can take action to use positive situations to our advantage, and re-shape the negative ones. We can think positively, regardless of what is going on, and make a conscious effort to see things in life as opportunities instead of obstacles.

We are magnets attracting all things to us. The signal we emit through our thoughts and feelings will either bring us happiness or sorrow. 

What "signal" are you emitting? 

I challenge all of you to take a step back and think about your inner dialogue or "signal". What is it saying?  What message are you giving yourself and others? Are your seeking the positive in life?  Do you seek the positive? Do your thoughts lead to positive behavior?

  I read a book while I was in Romania five years ago and pulled it out again six months ago and gave it another read.  It's called "As A Man Thinketh". It is inexpensive, super short (60 or so pages) and will change your life if you practice its principals. It is a perfect way to help you understand just how much power you have!  Here is a short review:

“As you think, you shall become.”

"The theme of all of Allen’s works is that each one of us has the power to form our own character and to create our own happiness.  The conditions of our lives are closely related to our inner state.  Allen encourages his readers to think positive thoughts, which will inevitably lead them to take positive actions."

I challenge all of you to purchase the book.  The book is only $4.99 on Amazon.com and a bit cheaper if you buy it used, this book also has free shipping! After you read it, I promise you will thank yourself. You are worth the $5 that you will spend on this book, no matter where you are in your life, this book will benefit you and help you realize just how powerful you are! If you're interested, you can buy the book here: As A Man Thinketh

 I also wanted to share a worksheet I found online the other day. I think it's GREAT! The worksheet helps you to observe your "stream of consciousness".  It is a very helpful exercise that helps you let go of negative thoughts and replace them with rational positive thoughts. I challenge you to give it a try. CLICK HERE to down load the FREE worksheet.

Here is an example of how to use the worksheet. It really is a great exercise and can help even the most positive person create even more positive energy in their life. Give it a try, even if only for a day.

I'd like to end this post by asking you a few questions:

-When your husband/boyfriend/sister/mother (someone close to you) asks you how your day was….what is your response?

-When you look in the mirror….what do you say to yourself?

-When you have a bad day at work…..do you let it go when you walk through the door at home?

-When something upsets you….how long does it take for you to calm down or blow it off?

-How often do you think positively?

-Is the glass half full or half empty?

-Are you emotionally strong?

-What are you thinking about yourself right this very minute?

-Do you focus on the negative or positive?

-Do you love yourself?

-Do you love your body no matter what shape or size?

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  If you are not already practicing positive thinking, now is the time to make the change. You have the power within yourself.  No one can do it for you.  You are the change.

Mind is the Master power that moulds and makes,
And Man is Mind, and evermore he takes
The tool of Thought, and, shaping what he wills,
Brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills:—
He thinks in secret, and it comes to pass:
Environment is but his looking-glass.
-James Allen

 Please email me with any questions!!
nono2yoyo@gmail.com

Since I was a little girl, my hair as always been super long.

My mom loved/s long hair so cutting it was not an option.

I've actually only "cut" my hair once in my life. When I was 19 my boyfriends sister talked me into letting her cut it. It ended up being 4 inches shorter than I imagined and I HATED IT!

I cried like a baby . I really hated it. I was so used to having long hair that I wouldn't believe that the short hair looked cute. When I look back on pictures, I'm not sure why I hated it…it was cute!! ( I think it had more to do with not loving myself and nothing to do with the hair). "If my hair was long again….then I'd be happy." I worked desperately to grow it back and two years later it was long again.

I thought I had made it clear to myself that doing crazy things with my hair was not a good idea, but five years later I must have forgotten. A month before our wedding Dave went to Germany for a few weeks for work. I decided to do something crazy and surprise him….I died my hair dark brown. So after 24 years of being a blonde….I went dark! 

It kept my hair dark for our wedding pictures and loved them.

I loved my dark hair at first, but after a few weeks it started to fade into a reddish brown color that I just hated. (check out the difference in colors!)

Since my natural hair color is a lot lighter, my hair had a really hard time holding the dark color. No matter how dark I went, it would just lighten up in a few weeks. I hated it. I started becoming more and more self conscious. I felt ugly. I let myself hate the way I looked and I entertained all the negative thoughts that came into my mind. On top of my "ugly" red/brown hair, after the wedding I ended up gained back the 10lbs I starved myself to lose. All in all with my weight and my "ugly" hair, I was not a happy camper. I felt awful. I did not like the way I looked and did not like the way I let it make me feel. "If I my hair was blonde again…then I'd be happy."
  (OH THE DRAMA)…I could seriously kick my old self, and follow it up with a slap in the face.

After almost a year of slowly lighting my hair (and spending $1 million dollars doing it) I finally got back to my regular blond color. I found out quickly that having long, blonde, hair was not the key to happiness.

(Same location as above Multnomah falls 1 year time difference)

It's been 2+ years since our wedding day and as you know, things for me have C H A N G E D! I will not allow negativity be a part  my life. I will no longer entertain negative thoughts and I really try not to worry about my outer appearance. I am happy with myself and comfortable with my body. It has nothing to do with the color or length of my hair, nor does it have to do with the way my body looks. I do not have to be "perfect" to be happy. I love who I am and who I'm trying to become. I'm a happy, happy girl.

With that being said…I need to tell you something I've been thinking about for quite some time now. I have been thinking about cutting my hair. When I say cut, I'm talking 10 inches. (I would love to donate it to locks of love if possible). Here's the thing though…..I'm a little scared to go through with it.

For as long as I can remember I've had it in my head that I had to be "skinny" in order to have short hair. I thought that if I was not "skinny" short hair would not look cute on me. Anytime I entertained the thought of cutting my hair, I would immediately push it out, it was just not an option.  Not until I reached my "goal" at least. 

Guess what? Feeling scared is making me want to do it all the more.

That thought, that stupid stupid thought that I some how concocted in my head is a big fat JOKE! I refuse to let it hold me back. So…..

I am going to cut my hair. It does not matter how old, how young, how skinny or how fat….I can have short, dark, long, blond, buzzed, black or no hair at all and love myself all the same! I do not need to be "PERFECT"  in order to love be happy! And neither do you!!

  I'm not letting my fear of something so stupid tell me what to do. Not any more.

Friday 2:00pm

Here's the look I'm going for…what do you think???

QA: Do you have a fear of something "stupid" that ends up holding you back?

Yesterday I mentioned I had a exciting Idea that I was brewing up….well I DO…BUT I'm not quite ready to let the cat out of the bag just yet. 

 BUT GUESS WHAT?

I do have some other really great  news!!  Remember my post a few weeks ago about "Counting Calories". If you didn't get a chance to read it, go back and read before you continue.

I thought a lot about that post and hoped that someone would give me some sort of great idea that would help me kick this annoying unhealthy(for me) habit. At the end of the day, I took a moment to re-read the comments and read what you had to say to me.

Emily from "Home Cooked Em" wrote:

" Try mentally counting for awhile and get away from putting it down on paper. You don't want to live writing down everything for the rest of your life."

Kelly form "Every Gyms Nightmare" left a  comment saying:

"ooo that totally used to be me. What i did was start by just counting at the end of the day- don't keep track during and then try and recall everything. Usually what would happen was i couldn't remember everything i had so i knew it wasn't accurate and eventually didn't see the point anymore. I also started focusing on the quality of my food as opposed to the quantity. start trying to hit all your food groups- it will give you something a little less obsessive to pay attention to, and you know you are eating healthy so you wont get so nervous about the calorie part."

There were a few others but these ones really stuck out to me. It's true, I don't want to be counting calories and tallying everything up on paper (or in my head) for the rest of my life. I had to try somthing different.  To be honest, before I wrote that post, I really didn't know what to do and I was kinda of afraid to try. I worried I would eat too much and gain weight or not be able to listen to my body. I was a bit weary to try what Kelly and Emily had suggested, but I decided to suck it up and give it a try.

The first day I thought about adding up my calories more times than I can count, but right before I'd do the addition in my head, I remembered their suggestions and told myself NO!  It was CRAZY how many times I wanted to add and re-add stuff during the day, but my goal to make it one day gave me motivation.  At the end of the first night I was a little scared to add it all up and see what my choices would equal.  To my HUGE SURPRISE I was exactly where I wanted to be. EXACTLY. I can't tell you how good it felt. I committed to continue to do this the next day.  And so I did, and the next, and the next.  It has now been 1 weeks since I have not tallied up my calories after each time I eat them. Not in my head, and not on paper! Halle freaking lujah!!  I've decided to tallying them at the end of the day, because I want to make sure I'm on track with where I want to be. I know that with enough practice I will be confident without ever tallying them at all!! Last night I after I mentally added up my daily total I couldn't help but get really EXCITED!! I have gone one week without obsessing over calories. I have eaten the foods I love, eaten when I've wanted to eat, and have been completely satisfied. 

One other AWESOME thing I've found is when I'm  hungry I eat, and when I'm not hungry I don't eat. ha ha Sounds simple right? Not for me…I could never grasp the idea of intuitive eating. I honestly didn't know how to recognize when I was or wasn't hungry. I was so used to eating at the time I planned to eat or when I had calories left to eat. I didn't know how to listen to my body and realize when it was hungry. There were so many times in my past where I would set a daily calorie allotment and at the end of the day if I still hadn't eating all of the calories I alloted, I would go ahead and eat them right up, whether I was hungry or not. I ate them just because I had them left to eat.  There has been more than one occasions in the past week where I have been done eating and counted up my daily total only to realize that I am so much lower than I I thought….and I'm full, no more food necessary. It didn't matter that I ate less that day because I chose healthy foods and I felt great.  If I would have been counting calories after each of those meal on those days, I would have eaten more….just because I hadn't reached my limit yet!

I can't tell you how excited I am right now. I don't ever in all my life remember feeling this in control of food and eating. It's like someone fixed the connection between my mind and body that has been broken for 10 years!!
I know I'm not an expert and 1 week of success does not equate to a lifetime, but I'm finally on the right track.  A track I don't ever remember being on!

I wish I could write some inspirational post about how you or people you know with an "ED" can do the same thing. I wish I could give you step by step instructions on how not to obssess over calories. But the truth is I don't know how to explain everything that led up to today. Last night I thought a lot about when I used to limit myself to a crazy low amount of calories, or when I used to binge eat, or when I made myself sick from exercising, and all the other unhealthy things I did. …….If I could go back in time, could I have helped me? Would I have listened? I bet fifty bucks the answer is no.  I wouldn't have listened, I couldn't have changed, I wouldn't have taken any action.  BUT WHY? 

Answer: I didn't love myself. I did not love myself and I did not believe in myself, and the worst part is I didn't even know it.

-blos·som: A period or condition of maximum development-

 If we don't already, we must develop a deep, love for ourselves. Inside and out.  I believe that when we treat ourselves with love and respect a seed in our soul begins to grow. If we continue to love, nourish and respect ourselves our souls will eventually blossom.

I'm sorry to talk about this same subject over and over, but its true and I have such a strong belief in it. Strength and power lies within us. We all have it, every single one of us.
I am so thankful for YOU and everyone in my life that has helped and continues to help my soul blossom.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most fattest of them all?

FLASHBACK

About a year ago Dave and I decided to spend an afternoon at the mall. I needed a new pair of jeans so we headed to the jean place first. I wanted to find a cheap pair because I "was not planning on staying at that size for long".  We both entered the store with smiles on our faces, I was happy to get a new pair of jeans, and Dave was happy that I was happy.  There were so many options to chose from, I hoped I'd find what I was looking for.  I grabbed a few pairs and Dave grabbed a few pairs and we headed back to the dressing room.  He waited out side while I stood in front of the mirror and undressed. I immediately rolled my eyes at myself and thought something negative. I tried on the first pair….and it didn't fit. They were too tight. I came out with a frown on my face . Dave was on eggshells as he awaited my response (he had been through this before). He waited for me to comment and after my response he sat still with a smile on his face afraid to say the wrong thing. I went back into the dressing room with a little bit of hope. I still had quite a few pairs to try on so I wasn't out of luck…yet.  I tried them on one by one, and one by one, I found something about my body that looked bad in the jeans. My butt looks big, my waist is  fat, my thighs are too big…on and on. Each time I looked in the mirror I would get more frustrated and more upset with myself. The more I tried on, the more upset I got. The negative thoughts flowed abundantly. After I tried on my final pair I had had it. I closed the dressing room door and started crying,I was really upset. Upset with the mirror, mad at the person looking in it, annoyed at the jeans, disgusted with my body, and some how bugged by my husband. Why my husband?? I honestly don't , my best guess is I needed someone to take it out on? I wiped away my tears, and changed into my old jeans. Red eyed and empty handed, we left the store.

Dave tried to cheer me up and tell me it was alright. He laughed and joked and tried to make me feel better. I didn't work. The rest of the afternoon was ruined (by me of course).  I was too upset to have fun. I felt fat, ugly, disgusting..did i mention fat?? I repeated these thoughts over and over in my mind. I believed them.  I didn't want to shop. I didn't want to do anything. My attitude was no fun, not to mention no good. Not for me and not for Dave.  We went home and I honestly can't remember what happened after that.

FLASH FORWARD

Last weekend I wanted a new pair of jeans.  Friday night Dave and I headed to the mall.  I had forgotten all about the incident above until we walked into the same jean store.  We picked out several pairs just as we had done 10 months before and I headed back to the dressing room. When I walked into the dressing room I looked in the mirror and admired my cute outfit.  I even threw myself a mental compliment. I tried on the first pair and they were skin tight.  I came out of the dressing room and showed them off to Dave prancing around the back area of the store being a nerd.  We laughed and both agreed that they were way too tight. I didn't care. I went back into the dressing room and looked into the mirror and before changing out of those skin tight skinny jeans I threw myself another compliment… "my calf's look great in these" (ya they were that tight). I took them off and tried on the next pair.  The next pair fit better than the last but still did not fit quite right. I showed Dave and he pointed out the area that didn't look right and I agreed. It didn't bother me. I went back into the dressing room to take them off and while doing so I looked in the mirror again.  A big smile came across my face as I remembered that day ten short months ago. I remembered how I felt and now how I feel. I remembered how I acted and now how I act. I remembered mentally beating myself up and now how I intentionally build myself up.  I remembered how I focused on only the negative and now how I only focus on the positive. This time when I looked in the mirror I saw a different person looking back. I saw someone strong, confident and happy.  After buying a super cute pair of jeans, Dave and I with smiles on our both faces walked out of the store and enjoyed the rest of the evening.   

Yesterday you may have read the email I sent Catlin, it was my experience with my first Operation Beautiful note.  
Here it is:

"I started out on my journey to healthy living a little over 10 months ago.  When I started trying to change I didn’t believe in myself, didn’t think I could do it, and it was ALL ABOUT the ". When I decided to make a change in my life and kick everything negative and unhealthy, I really tried to focus on positive thinking and telling myself things that I didn’t at first think were true.  

As time went on some of those things started to become easier and easier to say. I found your blog through Angela’s and then I found Operation Beautiful. I thought Operation Beautiful was such a great idea, and I knew from what I had been doing the few months before, that this would only add to my progress and help me truly believe in myself. Women are so hard on themselves and do not give themselves the credit they deserve!  

After posting my first Operation Beautiful note, I felt amazing. I felt strong and I believed what it had said. I knew that I was beautiful and that I did deserve to believe it, and anyone who read what I had wrote should feel the same way about themselves. It was me and only me who had been holding myself back all this time. I was my own worst enemy and I didn’t even know it.  

After I finally believed in myself, my life changed in every single way.  Operation Beautiful was a stepping stone for me and something I’ll always remember!" 

Girlies….this is so true. I can personally testify to this. You have to believe in yourself to make positive life changes. We should all believe, love, and respect ourselves. Although my story may be extreme, when compared with yours, I know every woman can relate on some level.

It is up to you. It is up to me.  It is up to all of us. WE must take the initiative. WE must grab a hold of ourselves and decide to take control. It all starts with YOU. There are millions of women out there who don't believe in themselves. Millions of women who are way too hard on themselves and have a negative self image. I want more than anything to take these women by the hand and tell them how beautiful they are, tel them they are worth it.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.

I challenge YOU, whether you are a positive Polly, a negative Nelly or an iggy in-between …Take a moment to think about your inner dialogue.  What message are you sending yourself? Your inner dialogue truly effects you who you are and who you will become. 

At the risk of you all thinking I'm a  complete nerd….I want you to say the following with me as you read.  
"I am worth it".  Did you say it?  Try again, this time out loud….ready on 3??1, 2, 3……  
"I AM WORTH IT"! " I AM WORTH IT"!!
It's true. You are worth it!  

Mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all….YOU ARE and its about time you believe it!! xoxoxoxo

Leave a comment and tell me one thing you love about yourself!!

Missed Day 1 Crossfit?

WEEEEEEEEW eee! Even more sore today than I was yesterday. I kinda like it though is that wierd? Yesterdays workout was harder than the day before. I'm feeling sore all over today, not sure why because we didn't do a full body workout. 

I was kinda having a blah day yesterday. I was SUPER tired, and had a head ache for most of the day.  When I got home I was not in the mood to go work out but I knew i'd feel better after.  Sure enough after the workout I felt awesome.  Sure I was sopping wet and my muscles began to tighten, but I felt awesome!  Here is what we did…

800M run (.50 miles)
Nat: Avrg speed 6.2 Dave Avg Speed: 6.9
25 KTE (Knees touch elbows)
15 Box jumps

Repeat 4 times!

Wow. This was not easy.  The runs weren't too bad the first time through but after the second and third we were both fighting for air.  The KTE's were killer.  It takes every muscle in your body to pull your knees up to touch your elbows, and when your done doing that, jumping up and down onto the box tops it all off!

We were sweating like crazy. We didn't finish with abs because the KTE's were enough for us.  We stretched and talked about the workout and let our heart rates recover a bit before heading home.

When we got in the car these were dave exact words.."I really like these workouts, they aren't too long and are super intense. I want to die while i'm doing it but I feel awesome after."

I'm so glad he likes it…because I love it. And I love doing it together.  When I was with my trainer I wasn't able to slack or take too much time to rest, and it feels the same with Dave. I want to keep up with him and finish in good time so I know i'm pushing myself harder than I would if I was on my own and I really like that!

Day 2 was great.  We are taking a rest day today and again on Sunday.  When we start back up on Monday I think we will take rest days on Fridays and Sundays. Dave's muscles are really sore and since he is usually in such great shape working out every day he isnt used to feeling sore. Me on the other hand, it seems like every time I met with my trainer I was in for some pain the next day.  I have so many muscles that aren't developed that its easier for me to get sore than him, but since he hadn't worked out in over a month, he is feeling it big time! I'm feeling it too, but I'm kinda used to it.    

We took our measurements yesterday. After we were finished dave looked at the numbers and said…"hey our measurements are about the same"…..some of yours are bigger.  I immediately looked at him and said…"uh why would you want to point that out……" he looked at me with a worried look on his face and said…"i dont know". ha ha ha it was funny. I laughed and told him I was kidding! I didn't care. Hello I am 5'5 and he is 6'4. Yes some of our measurements were similar, but i'm not going to even entertain the thought of letting that bother me. It doesn't make sense. (plus he is lean and has long lean legs so it's not like it's a bad thing).

The truth is though, in the past that might have made me feel bad and feel self concise or insecure. I might have gotten a little bugged at him for pointing that out.  I used to be so touchy and worried about anything he or anyone else would say about me and my body. I would ask him a question and if i didn't get what I thought was the right response I automatically made myself feel bad. I constantly thought he thought things about me that I now know are not true.  The truth is….. He thinks I'm beautiful.He thinks I skinny He loves me the way I am.  And he's thought it all along. I just never believed it until now.  Want to know why? Because I didn't think it about myself.  Until I started to focus on positive good uplifting thoughts and work on giving myself complements, I couldn't believe that he or anyone else may actually be telling the truth. 

Unfortunately as women I think we all do this to a certain extent! We are WAY to critical of ourself.  Our poor husbands or BF's end up having to walk around on egg shells because they are worried that they might not say the right thing.  Can they read our minds…NO! So why should we expect them to? Next time your husband boyfriend or whoever gives you a compliment or tells you something positive about yourself, instead or asking them if they mean it or analyzing how they said it to try and figure out what they really meant….just BELIEVE it. You are beautiful, and you deserve to believe it!

QA:
 Do you have a hard time believing compliments about yourself?

Dr. Laura says that guilt is something you feel when you do something wrong. I felt guilty today about something and i'd like to share. I'd planned on waking up early this morning (earlier than normal) and getting in a good work out before heading to work.  I had to get here (work) early because we are leaving to go to Illinois this afternoon to visit Dave's family.  I set my alarm, but unfortunatley didn't hear it go off, this rarely happens, so when I woke up to the clock reading 6:15 am I was pretty confused. I raced to get ready and get out the door. I ended up getting here at my normal time sans any exercise.  I know it's not a big of a deal for most people to miss a day of exercise and i'm ok with a day here or there too, but Tuesday I was really sore and I thought it was important to let my muscles recover, and yesterday I planned on it being another off day due to our plans after work. I came in super early yesterday and was not about to get up at 3am to exercise (that would be an extreme behavior and i'm working to stay away from those).  So this mornings exercise was something I was not only looking forward to, but also something I felt was important. As I sat at my desk this morning I started to feel guilty.  Before I let these thoughts get the best of me I called "Dr. Phil" (my husband) (hopefully he is amused by all these names i'm making up for him) He is my go to guy and when i'm struggling with what I call negative behavior and can't quite push it out on my own, he always helps me see things clearly.  I told him how I was feeling and the first thing he said was…."guilt is something you feel when you do something wrong".  He then asked me if I did something wrong.  My answer was of course, No.  Every so often he lets out a comment that i'm sure he's been holding in for the just right moment…this time he said, nat you've got to stop feeling guilty about so many things.  My immediate thought was "what things"…but instead of being defensive, I agreeded and after few more words of encouragement we ended the conversation with an i love you and g-bye.

When we got off the phone I thought about what he said for a bit.  Geeze louise… This week alone I thought of three times that I felt guilt……I do feel guilty about a lot of things, and probably most are unwarranted.  It's good to care about personal things, others and their feelings, but if caring makes you feel guilty all the time, then it's not a healthy type of care. I continued to analyze.

This may sound crazy, but I actually like it when I figure out something about myself that needs to change.  It's a challenge and something to work towards.  I have made  many changes in my life over the past 3 years. Instead of being offended or defensive when a personal challenge arises, I am actually motivated and excited to tackle it.  I feel lucky to have a husband who loves me enough to help me progress and give me encouragement when I need it.

Guilt is not warranted when you did nothing wrong. I've known this all along and have probably counsled family on this very subject.  Taking a step away from my own mind and saying it over and over really helped me apply it to my situation today. I've got better things to do than pack my bags and send myself on a guilt trip. See ya later ya guilt…don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

I no longer feel guilty about not exercising today. It is not going to kill me. Don't get me wrong, my overly guilty conscience has not been eternally cured, but I did have a good long talk with it (my guilt), and I'm pretty sure it knows that i'm not too happy with how its been acting.  Hopefully it payed close attention to what I told it. Over time i think it will slowly start to leave me alone.

Questions:

Do you feel guilty often? Not just about your diet or exercise…but anything in life?

How do you eliminate unnecessary guilt?

ps…i'm headed off to a small town in Illinois with no more than 400 people.  Dave's brother doesn't have internet and his parents only have dial up…so it's not likely that i'll be posting this weekend. I'll make sure to take some good pictures and report when I get back.  They live out in the country and I plan on going on a few runs, it shall be lovely…i'll let ya know how it goes!